Thursday, August 04, 2005
8/04/2005 03:20:00 AM

I was watching a Jap drama tt i dL long ago. It's now showing at the Tv as well, casted by Nanako Matsushima. Emergency Room 24 Hours. A great show.
I used to like drama related to this. The scenes showing dying people, how doc saving lives.. i used to feel nth abt it, just admiration of how great doc can be. But ever since my dad passed away, it get different, the feeling of it. Watching patient fighting with illness, watching how docs trying hard to save lives.. my feelings.. its simply hard for me to use words to describe my feeling. It just remind me of my dad. When how hard the paramedics are trying to save my dad in front of me.. and those time waiting at the hospital, the moment where they announced, the moment where i just refused to step in the rm to have a last look.. it just pops right in my mind.
A few days ago, i visited my frend at hospital, when i reached there, everything flashed thru my mind, it seemed like it just happen yester.. my heart pump fast.. b4 i realise, tears flows.. shocked my frendz.. Tried hard to control my emotion, probably i have been copping in my heart long, tears have been stored for a period of time, i was completely defeated. It was then, i realise, it's either i hate hospital, or im scare of it. Bt back to it, i know i shoudn't blame any1, IF tt time i had tried my very best to convinced dad for operation, or even forced him to have it, things won't turned out this way. I knew I din do my best in convincing him, supporting him, saving him from it. IF i did that, nth will happen at all. He will be standing healthy beside me. Sometimes, i just felt i have indirectly kill him.. times n times, i tried so hard to bury it deep in me.. i just cant be able to get off those guilts.. n i think i cant, forever in my life. Im not saying im the only pathetic person in this world who lost their love ones.. bt nw i really understand living with a life of guilts.. it simply hard to go on.. .. .. hard to
Citation du Jour
To find the Unicorn again we must unlearn old lessons, seek new paths to familiar destinations, stop and listen to guidance we have ceased to hear and look deep within ourselves for right answers.

Princesse de licorne
Known as Xianz or Fanny. Born in 30th March. I strongly believe in karma. So be kind and generous to those who needs it. Learn to appreciate everyone before you start to regret any time. Love unicorn, they are special cause it represent my beloved Dad in heaven.


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