Friday, April 29, 2005
4/29/2005 12:21:00 AM

Decided to take-off my tag-board. Any1 seriously wanna leave me a msg.. mayb thru other way like email or thru my friendster link.
Anyways, thks for the support of my regulars taggers..

Realise having tagboard means nth to me.. | cant get it.. the meaning of it.. it simply prove useless to me..

Mayb 1 day | will put back my tagboard.. maybe..

Sunday, April 24, 2005
4/24/2005 11:02:00 PM

Mayb i should have just give up..

Wednesday, April 20, 2005
4/20/2005 08:56:00 PM

A fren of mine keep sayin she's unhappy frm the day she is born. She feel no1 really understand her, the guy she like give no response to her, she don know wat her she wants in this world. One-day, she tried to make herself drunk, I stop her sternly.

Today, i recalled back. Suddenly, I feel like salutin her. Salute her for the braveness to realise n face the fact tt she's not happy all the way. Suddenly, for myself, I realise Im not as brave as her.. I avoid the truth tt in fact, im not happy at all, totally lost myself, lost my way to find the true happy me. I start to mixed up real & fake 'happy' in me, I tried hard to make myself think when is the day tt im really happy, the real smile and laughter tt came out frm me.. for tt moment, im scare, i cant find the smile, the laughter tt is real to me.. I cant differentiate d real & fake. All the while, I hide myself. Forcing myself to laugh & smile even no matter how unhappy im, resulting myself to have forgetten the real meaning of happy in me. I thought alot today. Really. I know, I cant b as brave as my frend.. I know i will be still hiding myself in a shell frm others.. I will sink deeper.. but still it's hard to really face up to d fact tt one person is not happy at all.. cos if 1 day i really face up to tt, i know myself, i will be totally defeated .. i lose the fight without struggling.

to tt dear frend of mine :
I salute ya braveness. But do make urself strong enuff to fight tt.. don lost ur way.. Happiness shouldn't be only coming frm BGR.. but it comes frm kinship and friendship as well. Those words tt we told u tt nite is called reality. Sorry to scold u tt ur naive but cos we're worried abt u.. we just wan u to realise the real reality out there, it's not those sweet sweet things u think. Cos when u get urself involve in 1 love relationship, things just won't be always sweet.. n no matter how say so easily tt u r willing to change for tt person sake no matter wat.. reality is not a fairytale.. u cant be an angel always.. "Words can b easily say but not done"
For tt nite i stop u frm drinking cos getting drunk won't make things be better, in fact, getting drunk when u feel sad, u won't feel happy frm tt, in fact even more terrible. Trust me cos i have been thru once, for tt 1 time, i swear to myself it won't happen the 2nd time. For tt, I make sure it won't happen to u cos it doesnt make u feel better at all cos we care for u.. don say we care is not impt.. only he care is impt to u.. cos its unfair to us n to u too.. take care..

Friday, April 15, 2005
4/15/2005 11:49:00 PM

Finally over. Those darn things are over.

Met up with Dear|e after tt darn thing. Proceed to Tiong Bahru for lunchie den to bugis for walkie.. saw Kym Ng & Quan Yifeng recording their show over there wearing those wings behind their back.. b|ah b|ah.. Ard 4pm, acc dearie to aljunied to worK.. den after tt went shopping alone. Was searching for my SLIPPERS~~ searching for real cheap slipper.. cheap but not to my liking.. haiz.. finally saw 1.. saw 1 at Fond Hugs, like it but was exp.. darn la.. den in the end settle for a $13.90 de slipper.. haahaa.. farking broke.. now my bank a/c was like.. uhem.. mum goin to question me abt where my $$ gone to.. thinking back also dono where my $$ go to.. worse~

Feifei is not eating well lately.. Im soo worried abt her.. whereas "mini mi" he is damn fat now. So whats the prob.. Feifei getting thinner n mini mi getting fatter. Feifei is not touching the food tt often n another 1 is keep finishin the food the moment i plc it in ! ! Anyway.. have to browse thru internet to look for more info on hamster.. cant stand my feifei acting so strangly lately.. darn worried for her..

4/15/2005 01:16:00 AM

Later :

8 hrs time, last paper, Maths.

10 hrs time, taste of freedom. No-more stress.

C'om on 1A21.. d LAST~ paper.

w|ll m|ss my study khaki-s.. Bee, Jo, Kefun & ZY. Almost everyday c u guys.. haa.. but its been great.. thks for every help given by each 1 of u.. those laughters, jokes, encouragments, helps... *hugg|ez* U guys are simply great~~ Xie~Xie~

realise no slipper for me to wear to chalet.. jialek..

Thursday, April 14, 2005
4/14/2005 10:31:00 AM

My slipper is stolen. Damn that person.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005
4/13/2005 12:43:00 PM

Today is goin to be a fine day for me.. I believe..

4/13/2005 12:08:00 AM

Its a cruel long suffering 2 days for me. My mood was dropped to the lowest point. Things just wouldn't work out well for us this time..
Was crying the whole nite.. i couldn't close my eyes to slp.. its only at ard 5am, i kinda doze off but woke up ard 9am.. Feel terrible.. Dizzyness, vomit, headache all into me.. probably cried too much.. too weak.. just wouldn't force myself out frm my bed.. sms bee to delay the study time.. but frankly, i have no mood for anything. Force myself up ard 11am, start to prepare.. den had some conversation with him thru msn.. we had a really bad talks thru msn.. the result, he thinks tt i will be happier without him.. which is not true.. i cant imagine my life without him staying.. i just coundn't b tt happy..
I cant be alone, or else, i wil just break into pieces n pieces... sms-ed ZY to meet at CCK.. I know myself perfectly I cant b alone at hm.. those crying make my head more dizzy and i will start to think even more.. I have to find some1 beside me.. at least some1 beside me.. im able to control myself more.. able to force myself not to think of anything.
It end up, we din study at all.. print the Past yr papers, ZY & bee acc me to jp.. Thks bee & ZY for cheering me up & tryin real hard to coax me to eat something coz i have not eaten for the whole day n those vomitting n dizzyness, sorry to make u guys worry abt me.. n really sorry to cause u all unable to study.. sorrie~~
He called me, wanna met up. So we met up at JP.. He said sorry.. My heart just melt.. it just goes off to him so fast.. deep in me, i know how hard i wanted to solve everything so in future the problem just won't keep poppin out but the moment i c him, the sorry.. i just want him back to me.. once again lettin the probs hide in n unsolved.. I knoe its bad.. but to have him back to me in actual fact override the unsolved probs.. I realise.. how much I had fallen in love with him... .... .... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Especially grateful to my dearest sis.. juan...
thks for being there for me.. every words, everything u say or do touches me so much.. U make me realise im not alone at all.. I tout ppl duno the whole story just won understand.. bt just a word frm me.. u seem tt u understand me n seem so near to me.. im really so touched n amazed.. Words just cant describe how I feel to you.. but really, thks for being such a wonderful sis.. u have been supporting me all the way when im goin thru this. Without u.. i may have really been in pieces of me.. really.. i mean it.. thks.. *huggies*

Monday, April 11, 2005
4/11/2005 12:10:00 AM

Crying at the eve of a exam paper. I control myself hard. Control myself not to drop any tears soo easily for u anymore. Im so useless. But its just every words u say... just a simple worrd r able to trigger my tears to drop..
Do I change alot frm the past.. tt's how u think of me? Me such a failure, fail to be tt wonderful, great gf u want.. Do we really understand each other? Shld i just gib each other time to think abt our future... or shld we just end it.. There's no wat expectation of my dream guy. u r never far away frm tt.. its just our communication we built up for our relationship doesnt work well..
You like to add ya own personal thoughts into the words i say and assume tts wat i mean which it actually don mean wat i wanted to say...

I realise.. I have no1 to turn to when i face all these.. I c thru my msn, my hp.. no1.. cos no1 can gib me the advice tt i want.. cos they don noe the whole story.. its long.. a long long story to tell.. there's fault in both of us. But sometimes.. the truth is hard to accept..

I realise I fail to make u happy all these while.. Im a worse gf.. Ya.. Im.. Sorry... really.. i mean wat i mean..

Friday, April 08, 2005
4/08/2005 09:32:00 PM

Darn.. s|ck at this examination period.. hAve a tougH time g|ving my 100% concentraton studying with my guyS today.. tryin real hard.. but it simPly makes my sicknesS more worse adding fever to it.. darn..

Lotsa frendz gett|n s|ck.. my darl|ngs.. do take care n fight the virus bravely.. and as well those sicken|ng exam papers toO ! For my dearEst 1A21 bab|es.. ChIonG for the paperS aH~~ !!

Been grp study with my fellow kHakIs.. it'S wonderful and had a great timE, greaT laughtEr witH u a|L.. thKs for a|l the helpS ! !

Introducing "bluey" the astro boY !
gIft frm dear|e

Wednesday, April 06, 2005
4/06/2005 11:54:00 PM

Stupid data comm paper.. forget it.. rubbish paper...
More effort u spend on studyin.. the more higher chances of failing those ass~ papers...

darn.. 2 of my jeans are gettin bigger in size ! ! Hate jeans tt wash den start expanding till siao ! ! | need to buy jeans~~ Im extremely BROKE.. NO $$$$..

Some1 say he pity my bf cos im alwz wearin a mask in front of him.. Ah.. I don like tt.. but Im not offended to him sayin tt. No worries, boi. It just bring me back those memories of some incidents.
This is the way Im to my frends.. the way i play & chat with them.. thou my bf may don like.. but I won't change my way.. but i will not do it in front of him, to me, its kinda a respect to him.. I did no wrong, i noe where my heart belong to who. I cant change the way Im to my frends.. if I change... | think tts not the real me towards my frend.. | don wish to act the whole me in front of my frendz.. its damn fakey!! In another point, u may say im fake to my bf.. BUT he knows my way.. cos he's been as my frends b4.. its just tt he don like it.. i won't behave in his presence for his sake tt he don like. But other den tt.. everything I did, im honest with him.. I let him knows everything of my life including all my frendz.. nth to hide.. so Im not afraid, & of cos.. Im not wearing a mask to him. The only mask Im alwaz wearin on.. is the mask to hide all my saddies emotion i had.
Anyway.. for others ppl views on me... regardless bad or gd.. I don't care anymore.. it doesn't seem impt to me at all ever since after my sec life.. I cant force every1 to like who Im.. For frendz who really know me.. they will understand,, For ppl who don understand who is the real Fanny Ma Shuxian.. I don't cares abt the view u had on me.. say me whatever things u want. Its the society of freedom. But 1 thing for those ppl.. if u don noe 1 person well & u wanna bitch ard.. of cos u can.. but don bitch like as if u knoe tt person very well.. the the truth is U DON even know tt person THAT well.. its the cover u c ONLY.. so just do ya bitching with ya bitchy ppl.. but not to the extend of hurting ppls.. suckers...

CiaO.

Sunday, April 03, 2005
4/03/2005 11:40:00 AM

ah... my scary 20 came. Anyway, main reason here are to once again thks everyone for eveything on my bday.

tHks 1A21 -- For the mini celebration, the wonderful song u alL saNg. For everything, Im really touched, thou tears d|n drop, bt it managed to make my whole body trembled with those touching things u all had done. Its so wonderfuL..

thKs Yanz, eMilY, KeLlyn -- For the necKlace and bracelet.. | like it very much. Arigato~~ *muackIezZ*

thks Zai, KM, AlviN, Jem (dono got leave out any1) -- For the couple keychain.. Haha.. U guys r my great bros.. always wishing everything best for me n my bf.. thks alot. *hugGieZz*

thKs Sheels, Bee, Jo, ZY -- For the cakes and actually for everything. You guys always gave me laughter and fun during sch. Always ard when Im feelin kinda down for something... tHks.. *k|ssIezz*

thKs Audrey -- thKs for taking ya time to come to my hs to pass me my fav tiramisu cake n ya hand-made "9 layer kueh" & of course the beautiful musical box. It's been a long time since we met and chat. Tt day was wonderful. Anyway, the cake |s nice~~ Do enjoy ya trip next wk to Korea.. and as well, make sure is to enjoy with ya mum instead of having tiffs with her again over there.. Cheers.. be happy !

thks xIao maI -- For the card and the box full of all my fav tibits, sweets and of cos your handmade choc-chip coOk|eSs~ Haha.. it taste wonderful.. And sorry tt I was not ard at hm when u r there to give me, u had to put in the electrical "closet" outside my hs.. Haha. luckily no ants are there to eat up my things.. Thks alot.. *muackiezZ*

thks Juan -- For the bag and most importantly the letter u gave to me. It wakes me up totally. To you, Im terrible sorry. Soory for the neglection I had gave to you and as well mayb to frends tt actually worry n cares abt me. Im sorry tt Im unable to meet u for the dinner.. part of me are so stress up for my deadline assig and another part of me are too lazy after all those stress comin up. Im terrible sorry. My time mangement are always tt bad. Never do I know u r followin up with my blogs.. don actually wanna make u all worry abt me. Tt's the plc I vent my frustration and thinkin in. Don't worry abt me. I think i can mange myself properly nw compare to that period of time Im going thru. Sorry to make u so woory abt me . thKs for everything cos for everything u all done are so special and encouraging for me. lUb uUuU...

thks "NN" -- For the card u send and as well the cute chain inside. Those encouraging wordys and wish|ngs are into my mind. Deeply appreciate it. Be great to ya gf nw.... she's such a nice n understanding gal.. U have to learn the art of treasuring .. *wink* Thks alot anyways.

thks ZH -- for the things u had handmade.. ya drawings are always tt great.. nice~ thks.. I believe u can be happy just like me.

thks everyone -- these are to thks people who had msg me greetings of happy bday msg thru emails or sms or msn.. Anna, Junyong, "Daddy", TS, Alvin Poon, Ah Jie "chris", Alan, David, Willard, Lincoln, Marilyn, WeiJun.. and those who i din mention here.. haha.. thks alots.. thks for rememberin my day but jopefully not my age.. haha.. *muacieZz*

Lastly of cos my dear|e..
thks for the blueY... *huggiezZ* your effort to make eggs for me and the treat at sakaE sushI are so filling.. stomache boated.. only u can c.. haha.. And to spend the $ to watch the stupid lame "the Eye 10" to luff and scare ourselves with the part at the lift.. tell u im scare, u acc me the whole nite at hm.. thks.. Thou we had those tiffs on that day for almost 2 hrs. But it din really spoilt everything cos able to be with u make me happy so easily, even just walking ard doin nth, the times are just so great. thks for everything. Love uUuUuU.. muackieZz..

Dear|e "serving" the cake (cake sponser by Audrey) haha


Me & my cake


Bday kiss frm Sheels


Nan de take foto wif my da ge..


My ladieez..

Citation du Jour
To find the Unicorn again we must unlearn old lessons, seek new paths to familiar destinations, stop and listen to guidance we have ceased to hear and look deep within ourselves for right answers.

Princesse de licorne
Known as Xianz or Fanny. Born in 30th March. I strongly believe in karma. So be kind and generous to those who needs it. Learn to appreciate everyone before you start to regret any time. Love unicorn, they are special cause it represent my beloved Dad in heaven.


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